Day-56, Lockdown

Remember how I had made a silly little pledge to not leave the house until lockdown gets over? That’s kind of the person I am, I am sensitive and emotional and can take things very personally. I often tend to get emotionally attached to certain things pretty quickly. That pledge I took, was an example of my sensitivity. ( I’m not talking about sensitive teeth, but I have those too. :))

Today, I did another such thing. I tied a ribbon on my wrist, yes sounds pretty silly doesn’t it? Well, I decided to wear this ribbon until the day I can safely step out of the house. The day when this nightmare is declared over. And, suddenly a thought came to my mind. Am I the only person doing this? Not tying a ribbon to my hand, but suddenly feeling attached to this lockdown. I have read about other people struggling in this lockdown and how they are coping with it. It’s like, I suddenly can’t imagine a world without this pandemic. Like someone closed my eyes, and I can only see darkness, nothing else.

It’s a weird feeling, really. And I feel guilty about it, that feeling I had where I wanted the lockdown to get over. It’s fading away. Not that I don’t want the lockdown to end, but like I am telling it,’’take as much time as you want.’’

Maybe its because of my holidays going on, everything seems chill, no online classes. I guess once my classes start this feeling will go, I hope so.

Anyways, this ribbon I tied to my hand. I take it as a symbol, its like a victory flag. Waiting to be waved on the day the war gets over.

That’s all I had to write for today, ribbons, attachments and weird dark feeling.

Day-55, lockdown

It’s been 55 days, and today I was thinking of something which I think is called social conflict. In the city I live in there are a whole lot of cases, so we’re all in the red zone. Movement in all parts of the city has been reduced, for obvious reasons of safety even in societies. But certain people feel the need of moving around. Maybe their tolerance level is low, I don’t know. They choose to move around, some wear masks and disinfect themselves when they come back home while others just stroll around and return back to their homes, they act as a host for the virus and also infect their family members.

Why do they act so carelessly? I have no clue, they don’t live under a rock I’m sure. They know about the outbreak, they also know how this stupid virus spreads, then why are they walking around without any caution? again, no clue.

While the obedient and virus-fearing people take all kinds of precaution, the others put not only our lives but also theirs in risk. Seriously my family and I are taking lots of caution. Even when we get the groceries home, we take a bath and also bathe the groceries, literally. My mom washes them in soap water and then keeps them out to dry in the balcony, what a world we live in.

My father used to go for his early morning jog every morning, but now he has stopped. The main reason is precaution but alongside there is social fear. Sounds weird, but when we see people strolling carelessly around, we judge them. Though we don’t want to, but in the back of our minds we all do, so my father doesn’t jog because he is a little bit afraid of what people might say. Nobody admits it, maybe they don’t even know it. But social fear is always there.

In a perfect world this outbreak shouldn’t be here, but if it was then everyone would follow the rules. They would know that by taking precautions they are not only saving themselves but also their families. Because come on, the entire city is in  the red zone. That means there are too many cases here, if too many people are infected chances are high that they could infect you too! There is a reason, why we are all under lockdown. Sure, go and have a nice walk. But, please come back and take a bath. What’s the harm in wearing a mask, it isn’t killing you to wear a mask, or to sanitise your hands, or even to wash your hands. So, please always be cautious because prevention is always better than cure.    

Day-54, Lockdown

Lockdown extended till 31 may.

What was I expecting? I don’t know, a summer vacation would be nice. Some free time on the beach, swimming races with my friends, a trip to…somewhere? I was expecting a lot from nothing, but I knew this was coming. I just didn’t want to believe it.

This is officially the worst summer ever, I know I said that I was practising optimism, but I have to let it all out somewhere, why not here? Each passing day, there are more cases, more deaths. People say, we all have to stay indoors till the next year, when I heard this for the first time my only reply was, “what? I’ll die!’’ Because, 365 days indoor is too much for a person to handle. That is why the government is doing this, they say that the lockdown will go on till the 18th of may, days before 18 may they say, that there are too many cases and they regret to inform us that the lockdown will be extended.

You know, first there were memes on lockdown 1.0, then came lockdown 2.0. Till lockdown 4.0 people were tired, ‘why waste our energy?’ They thought. Remember, how everyone suddenly became creative in the early days of lockdown? They tried new recipes, spent more time with their families, well now they have all stopped. They’re all bored now, and that was eventually going to happen.

At first people said they were happy in lockdown, they called it bonding time. Matter of fact, so did I. But, now we have all made our own routine. As the days pile up, so does my parents’ work. And me? Well I have studies, actually I have books which I occasionally have to open, suck all the information out of it, and then close the book. Studying isn’t fun anymore, its just like some dull chore I don’t want to do, but I kind of have to.

To be honest, this lockdown has sucked the fun out of everything. Before, family time was like something I looked forward to. Because we wouldn’t get it a lot and now we see each other’s faces the entire day, literally my mom and dad are the only people I have properly talked to, in months. 

So, in conclusion today was like a cheat day. I have the rest of the days to be optimistic, but right now I feel like more of a glass half empty girl. Thanks a lot lockdown!

Day-53, Lockdown

So, 9th grade, huge year. They all keep telling me, and I agree. Then comes the next question, or more accurately that short period of time when I question all of my life choices. They ask me what I want to become when I grow up, I keep convincing myself that there’s a lot of time to think about that stuff.

Most of my friends want to become doctors and engineers. But, I am sure I don’t want to become either. I am not so good at math, and I can’t very well look at blood without feeling a bit faint. As I have made quite clear before I am of the herd mentality, and when everyone says they want to become doctors and engineers they have me questioning my choices.

Over the years I have given a lot of unnecessary thought to this question, and as time has passed, my choice of occupation has also changed. Currently, I want to be a journalist. It sounds like a dream, I can do something I love and earn money, but then why don’t I want to be a writer? It’s because my father had once told me that there are millions out there who have published books but only three or four of them rise and become famous. He said that I need to have that charisma to succeed in such a job, no support there, you have to stand up all by yourself. Not everybody can be J.K. Rowling. I asked him why he was trying to scare me away from writing, he said that he was just telling me the truth. He is quite a realist. I decided not to go for writing because, I feel that I don’t have that charisma, three or four in millions! But, my dad actually wants me to be a writer, because he feels that it’s the best occupation for me, he says that journalism isn’t my passion it’s writing, I don’t know what to think now.

Over dinner my parents give me long lectures about how I need to get good grades in everything so that I can get into a good college. When I argue that its too early to think about getting into college, I always hear the same words. They say, after tenth I need to get into a good junior college, only then will I get into a good college. Ninth will get over before you will know it, and then maybe it will be too late, will it though?

Most of my friends have joined extra classes, to prepare to join the best engineering colleges in India. Those who want to be doctors have also become serious, and I feel lost in the crowd. I still refuse to think about college yet, or even junior college, am I doing the right thing?

Day-52, Lockdown

Giving up is a wonderful feeling, you feel like a burden was taken off your shoulder. Then what’s so wrong with it?

Well with that wonderful free feeling there is always some guilt too, it strikes after everything is done, making you hopelessly wonder… what if? That feeling is the worst, and so that you don’t suffer, people tell you to not give up. That feeling before the guilt is like a big balloon waiting to be popped by that sharp needle of guilt.

It hurts a lot later, once you’ve realised what a big mistake you have made. So many times, I have tried giving up on this blog. Because I have had nothing to write, but every time I had a new idea to write something, it felt even more  satisfying.

Anyways, have you ever felt like that. Like you just wanted to turn around and go home, and just forget all of this. Well, I have and that twinge of guilt and shamefulness has almost always overtaken me and kept me going on. Sometimes I do something even though I really hate it, while others I just drop it and move on. 

I have tried so many new things, but when they seemed hard or boring I have left them and moved on to do something else. But, later I have missed doing those things and regretted giving up on them. Sometimes, I pat myself on the back after finally giving up on something, only for it to haunt me years later.

Why does everything have to be so hard? Like if you aren’t supposed to give up on something then it shouldn’t feel so nice. Like a very nice dream only to be turned into a nightmare. But, now that I think of it, maybe when you feel like giving up and then you don’t, you feel like you have accomplished something and then later even if you don’t succeed in that thing you were going to give up on you don’t feel completely hopeless. 

So, its actually supposed to be like a medicine, to ease the pain if you fail, and if you achieve something then you feel extra happy, because you didn’t surrender and you were successful.

Maybe, all this time I was just looking at it with the wrong angle. Wow, I had a breakthrough today.

Day-51, Lockdown

 After weeks of senseless thunders and some clouds, it finally rained. It feels so good, sitting on my balcony with my parents with a cup of tea in front of us. We are all doing our own work and occasionally talking. I just felt so nice and cozy sitting in their company, I was doing my three favourite things, sitting outside while it was raining, enjoying my parents’ company and playing a game on my phone.


For a few minutes life seemed perfect, like earth wasn’t facing a major crisis, thousands weren’t dying. I was enjoying the moment without any guilt, then it started thundering, and that sudden flash of light through the dense clouds and the loud noise. Brought me back to the real world.

Have you felt like that? Like you wanted to stay inside one moment, like you wished desperately that you could stop time? It’s a very helpless feeling, maybe its that feeling that brought me back to the real world.

It’s still raining as I am writing, and the weather is wonderful, really. The sweet sound of my keyboard clacking away merrily, the occasional lightning, my favourite songs playing in the background and my parents standing near the railing, leaning out to feel the droplets. I can feel some of the droplets myself, with the wind brushing gently. I want to hold on to this moment. It’s like the rain is inviting us to go outside and splash in the puddles, this time of the year it doesn’t rain a lot. But, when it does I usually run down to enjoy the pleasant weather with my friends, we would all get drenched, and when I would come back to my home, my mom would make me hot soup.

I wish I could go back to that time, the ankle deep puddles, the splashing sound, my friends.

This weather is so amazing, its cold and rainy and cloudy, I don’t know why people associate this kind of weather with sadness. It’s so weird, because its the complete opposite for me, I can dance around in the rain for hours, not even caring about catching a cold, pity I can’t do that now. But at least I am enjoying this sweet moment, this will surely be one of my favourite memories from now on…

Day-50, Lockdown

Today something very ironic happened. All these days, I kept talking about day 50 coming closer and what I thought about it. And I completey forgot what day it was today, it was my mom who reminded me. She asked me what I was going to write for the 50th day of lockdown, and that she saw it as a huge milestone.

‘It’s day 50 already?’ Was my response, and I realised it is a huge milestone, It is not just a number, no its much more than that. I had said before that humans are stubborn, well this lockdown has taught us another thing, patience or more importantly tolerance.

Tolerance doesn’t always mean, trying to bear with something that irritates you, it also in one way means showing will power. 

Humans not only have the amazing ability to learn but also to grow. There is a reason people become wiser with age, they learn with experience. And, this wonderful experience has been a real roller coaster with lots of bumps and loops in the way, but once you have overcome your fear of heights, roller coasters always seem fun.

All of these 50 days, will never be just 50 days of my life, but 50 days of a wonderful adventure, an unforgettable time. I learnt to look at the better side of situations, I learnt how to smile and enjoy the moment we live in. I finally overcame that laziness phase, I moved on to the implementing stage. I read more books, studied more, and of course played more video games, and with that I became a better multitasker. 🙂

Things seemed less dreadful, more cheery. Less clouds, more rainbow. If I do say so myself I have grown up in the past 50 days, with every blog I wrote I felt more mature. More space in my brain cleared, more air to breathe. 

I felt less suffocated every day, and my complains lessened, though I did not stop to whine about my school every now and then. 😉

Over all, I learnt the importance of optimism and how much I need the company of my family around, every day I have learnt something new and remarkable.

Day-49, Lockdown

Hey, its been almost 7 weeks since you have made social contact, how does it feel? If somebody asked you this question, what would you say? There are so many ways to answer this question, while some people would just wave it off saying, “none of your business…’’ others, will sit down and think. They will wonder, “has it really been that many weeks, have I absolutely made no social contact. Wow, it has been 7 weeks.”

Some others will quickly realise this painful fact, and then wander off thinking about what they will do after lockdown. ‘After its safe to go outside, I will throw a big party. I’ll finally meet all of my friends, 7 weeks is a long time, but somehow I will make up for it.’ Because, face it that is what all of us have been thinking about all of these days.

How does it feel? Cheerful, tiring, lovely, boring, what exactly is your take on not having social contact?

Have you not been wondering, what it will feel like to wander about without any masks, happily and freely walking past the sanitiser. Not even looking at it, not having to look at the COVID-19 count every single day, and last of all not having to read my lockdown blog, and all of my complains. That sounds like a perfect world, but when will we see it?

Surely, not everyone is wondering when this dreadful time will end some are enjoying it, some are looking only at the perks, doing their best to stay up to date, wearing masks and using sanitisers is not something they hate doing, they call it precaution. They happily follow the instructions, and they believe they can prance about while being safe. ‘Anything is possible’ is their mindset. Another optimistic take, and this is how we should look at things too…

Day-48, Lockdown

I have nothing to write about today, it’s about to be 50 days soon. And that thought keeps hovering in my mind, it won’t go. I am finally feeling a bit better, and this stupid thought keeps haunting me. It keeps reminding me, how I haven’t seen my friends for 50 days, how I haven’t seen the roads of my beloved city for 50 days. So what? 

I have begun to cherish this lockdown, finally. But, I keep occasionally breaking down. Crying and wailing about how much I miss everyone and the rest of pune, and how I had epic summer plans. Sometimes, to calm my nerves I try to remember the road to all of my favourite places in pune. Then I imagine myself in those places, moving around. Somehow it soothes me, its weird but it works.

Every other day, I feel a little less helpless, I see a little more hope. It’s like everyday there’s more cheer than the day before. I guess, since my holidays started and I get to wake up super late, and have it my own way things are looking much more better than they did before. My mood’s better. Because, face it if you wake up each day complaining wishing nobody would ever wake you up, and crying out of despair because you desperately want to sleep, well that doesn’t make up for a very good day.

But, when I wake up after a good nights sleep, take a bath, study a bit and do whatever I want for the rest of the day, it is much more promising.

My point is that, even though some part of me wants me to be miserable for some reason, and always tries to remind me of my woes. I think of the bright side, after all of these days I have learnt something very helpful, something that is needed in such situations, there is a bright side to everything, and this kind of thinking is called optimistic point of view, or the ‘glass half full’ point of view, and from now on it is my favourite point of view. :).  

Day-47, Lockdown

Hobbies, I was thinking about hobbies today. Why do people have hobbies? 

The obvious answer is they have certain hobbies, because they enjoy in doing those things. but, there is more to hobbies then meets the eye.

Such a simple word, with such a simple definition. Then why do I want to make everything complicated and intricate ? Because, well its my hobby.

Something that gives us pleasure, but it has to be productive at the same time. Can we call it recreation? Maybe we can. But, hobbies lead to so many different things, so many different paths, goals. Creativity leads to having hobbies, hobbies lead to elaborate and greater thinking.

Hobbies soothe the mind, that’s why people tell us to create new hobbies or indulge in the old ones to be stress free.

It’s kind of obvious though, stress comes when you feel boxed in, or prevented from doing something. But when you take part in something you love doing, your mind is somehow calmed, and time somehow slips from the palm of your hand like sand. 

But the feeling isn’t troublesome, you don’t feel hasty, just peaceful. Some people love singing or dancing, others like collecting stamps or souvenirs. When they do these activities, they give it their all. And, they will do all they can, to improve it. To become a better singer, dancer, to collect more stamps they can go to lengths. 

People tell us to do what we love the most, because it can give birth to a whole new world, a world full of possibilities and ideas. Helen Keller always said that,

“When one door of happiness closes another one is opened. But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.’’

And, this is how I intend to look at this situation, doing what I love with optimism, and a hope for a world full of new opportunities…

Day-46, Lockdown

The number of days are increasing, and everyday I hold my head trying to think of something to write about. And today is one of those days, when how much ever I hit my head nothing is going to come. But, I know that I am going to end up writing something or the other.

But, its like I have covered all of the obvious topics, or the ones everyone thinks about. But one of my favourite is the one where I complain about my school, one thought lead to another and now I know what to write about.

So, all of these days I have had to wake up early and study. But, today  was the first day of my holiday, should not I be happy, the answer is yes. So am I happy? 

By a long shot. All of these days I have been complaining about these classes and how much I hate them. Oh yes, I still hate them. But this is not my holiday that’s going on, oh no its the first cycle. This lockdown has not let me relax even for a little while. 16 march was the day my school ended, 3rd April was the day online classes started. Between 16 march and 3rd April we were given projects to complete, from 3rd April to 8 May I have not been able to catch a break, finally, they decide to give us one. But, guess what its a study leave in disguise. My ‘break’ is from 8 march to 20 march, during this time I thought I would be allowed to relax and finally get some time to find the perks in this lockdown.

But yesterday we were told that after 20 may revision tests would be held, that will be counted in our ninth grade exams, held after the school starts. We are expected to study in our break and prepare for these tests ( I am holding my urge to call these tests stupid, there I said it, or rather typed it) our well earned break, has been turned into a study leave.

And, how will these tests be held. That’s a whole different question to be asked. I read in the news, that schools have been told to cut down half of the syllabus. But, I know for sure our school won’t do it. You want to know why? Because we have finished half of the syllabus in the online classes! 

Everything goes so fast, nobody, not even for a second stops. Stops to revise, to recount, and by the way, asking questions isn’t recounting. Like, why would our school even do this? Can’t they trust the children enough, or can’t they take the recaps after the school starts. This year my summer vacation and all of my wonderful plans have gone down the drain, and worse I am studying, when I was supposed to be hanging out with my friends. And, what are they even catching up on. Yes, we were supposed to have normal school from 2 April to 24 April,  but then it was supposed to be our time. Gosh, I  have to go now and eat some ice cubes to cool down. That is all for today…  

Day-45, Lockdown

Second guessing and overthinking, I do that all the time. It’s kind of a habit now, I don’t even realise that I am doing it. I know I have written about this silly thing a couple of times before. But, I never thought of it as a big thing to be worried about, I am still not worried just a bit troubled. It has ruined lots of things for me. But, how do I become confident? Where do I find it? Is it like creativity, does it also come from within? Wow, so many questions.

Remember that poem I wrote for lockdown day 6? It was about confidence, I had written that hoping that one day I too will feel that same fire of self esteem burning in me, proudly. Whenever I have achieved something, I have always associated my success with luck. Subconsciously, but I realised this senseless flaw a few days ago. You know, now that we are inside our homes most of the time, it gives one a lot of time to think and reflect. At least, when the battery in my phone has drained.

I have always been afraid of people, not exactly afraid of them directly but what they might think. I never tried to be different from anybody, always tried to fit in. I am one of those people with that herd mentality, you know why? Because I think that if everyone is doing the same thing, then everyone can’t be wrong. Does this sound reasonable? It should because these thoughts have come unfiltered from my mind. (Okay, maybe a little bit filtered, I am not so sure.)

I very seldom raise my hand in class, because I am never sure if the answer I had in mind is correct. Even when it really is. And, when I am asked a question I just mess everything up. This has happened too many times than you know or want to know, trust me. 

For some reason I always admire other people blindly, like so blind. I know that I am not perfect, but I believe everyone is better than me. I am full of stupid flaws, I try to show people that I am not scared of them. Or that I can take whatever they tell me. But, I actually can’t. I am the most scared of all, and I know that once I have told you this, you all will think that I am a girl full of defects and blemishes. But, I can’t stop you from thinking, if you are reading my blog, you need to know me…

Day-44, Lockdown

We are getting close to day 50, and I am not so excited. I am doing my best to slow down time to hold on. But, anyways I have something different to talk about.

We aren’t allowed to leave our society, but we are allowed to order groceries. So, the person who delivers the groceries comes to the gate, drops off the stuff and goes. The customers come, and take the groceries. So, today my dad told me to come to the gate with him. I rejected his offer, I didn’t want to step outside the house until we could walk out without any masks on, no precautions…

I know it sounds stupid, but its just a little pledge I had taken. Like I had said earlier, I can’t bear to face the truth, and going out of my house, seeing other people with masks, trying to socially distance themselves makes it seem just that much more real.

But, my dad was stubborn (like me), he dragged me out of the house, and when we stepped inside the elevator he offered me a mask. I took it, but didn’t wear it. I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. We sat in our car and drove towards the gate. According to my dad if we travel with car there will be much less chances of contact with other people. We stopped at the gate, and looking at that closed barricade somehow shook me out of my daze. I have never seen the entrance of the society closed, it looked so wired, so out of place.

I was glad there was nobody but the delivery person and a few security guards around. Not because, I didn’t want them to see me, but because I didn’t want to see them.

It felt weird, and for no reason at all very creepy. Empty place, empty roads. There was always someone strolling in our society, but now it felt barren and cold. And, in that forty degree weather a chill ran down my spine. 

When I reached home, my parents said they noticed some change in me. They thought that somehow I seemed happier. What they didn’t know was what brought the change. It wasn’t the fact that I had seen the society after six weeks but it was the irrational fear that managed to creep in me.

Maybe, somewhere deep within I knew this would happen and so I didn’t want to step out. I just realised something, I know I can’t change reality, but by not going outside I was trying to ignore it…

Day-43, Lockdown

I read a book today too, nice day it was. Passed very quickly though.

I have been thinking recently about how our lives would be post lockdown. Will it all be the same again? Or will we finally learn, more about Mother Nature and how to treat it? Like most of us are going through such a thing for the first time, and this is a process, a long and difficult one. Maybe we will be able to fit in some learning, I certainly hope so.

Will everything go back to the way it was? Can it? I don’t think it can, though we are supposed to be stubborn, haven’t the humans learnt anything from this experience? Certainly it has made us wiser, but if the humans go back to their own ways after this pandemic, then we all ain’t just a stubborn lot but also a hopeless one.

I know, I’m talking like this lockdown is about to end, I have no idea what is going to happen for sure. But, I know one thing for certain is that I am a whole lot wiser than I was before all of this. You didn’t learn anything from this experience, nothing new or interesting? When you search for the answer to that carefully, you will find it. You have to, you must have learnt something, even the smallest things count. Like maybe, you washed your dishes for the first time, or maybe you found a whole other side to you, or you found a new hobby. When you go to the deeper side, there a so many things to learn emotionally. Like I found my tolerance level or the level at which the words “I’m about to lose it!’’ Escape my mouth. I found out how important my friends are. Some are like my emotional support animals, they always lift my spirits when they are around me. I realised that there are a lot of things I should feel blessed for.

A day full of realisations and satisfactory answers to hundreds of questions in my head, I know that I should have saved this for the last. But first I would have forgotten all of it, and second I don’t even know when the end is, how far or close it is. Third of all I kind of look at today’s blog as the bright side to all of this mess, and I haven’t looked at the bright side for a lot of days now…

Day-42, Lockdown

I can actually say that I did something today, something productive I mean.

For almost two hours in the afternoon I read a book, two hours of my life not wasted. It felt good, you know. I know, all these days when I talked about something productive, book reading was also covered. After my last book review, I read one more book and I stopped. There was a span of almost ten days, these ten days I wrote about feeling useless and wasted. Well, at least now I know why. Books are just like friends, okay not exactly like friends. But, sometimes I find more solace with a book than with a friend, especially a good and interesting book.

Isn’t it weird? How one day, you keep groaning and whining about how you are not doing productive, and the next day… Well, it is certainly different. Today’s day was a less out of tune, less gray more colourful, less painful. It has been only ten days, but it has certainly felt like ten months.

When I say that I miss all of my friends, well I don’t have to! Books are friends too, right? Then why not leave them out, if I can’t meet my real friends I’d rather spend more of my time with books! This too was a part of my thoughts, buried with all the other ones. And as I am sharing each of my thoughts each day, I feel lighter and more happier. Maybe, by the end of this lockdown I will be able to levitate. 🙂

By reading a book, it feels as if more space in my brain has cleared. Everything feels more clear, and its like I am starting of a clean slate. I feel more fresh, and more cheery. Every evening my mood changes it goes from slightly happy to extremely mad at everything.

But, it felt like the wind had finally changed direction, and the cold breeze I was talking about since so many days. Well, now I can feel it on my face gently sliding past brushing my face lightly. I had talked about going outside, at times just to feel the breeze, but now I can all in the comfort of my home.

Day-41, Lockdown

What did I do today? Wow, what did I do today?

I seriously don’t know how to answer that question, its like asking the person asking the question (in this case, me) “what do you mean, by what did you do today? That’s not a question.’’ And then hopelessly looking around trying to think of a way to answer that question. Pausing for a moment and then asking again, “wait, so you are asking me what I did today? Like something productive?’’ And then you fall into endless thought again. These are the type of conversations going on inside my head, not all of them make sense. But, not all of them have to make sense, because some are left like that to figure out what they mean, to get my rusted gears moving a bit.

I just don’t get it, why is this so hard? I know where I am going wrong, why can’t I impact on it. I keep blaming it on something or someone, like my last excuse was time. Time is going too fast, I can’t do anything. It’s going fast because of me, because of my thoughts, my slow progress. Time isn’t opposing me, its just backing me up. My brain is working slow, its just helping me realise that faster. 

But, the ‘realisation’ ship has long sailed, I am on the next stage now, impacting. The hardest stage, very difficult to cross.

Okay, I know saying this would be a huge mistake, and I am about to say the opposite of what I am trying to tell you, but if this is a safe space, a place where I am supposed to let my feelings out, so be it.

You know what I really think about being stuck at home, it feels like one long holiday, from far it looks like a holiday, every day I have to wake up and study, but the rest of the day feels like a vacation. Whenever I sheepishly get up and walk towards my books, my brain convinces me. It convinces me to believe that this is a holiday, I deserve a break, it makes me pity myself, put myself down.         

It reminds me how I have stayed at home all these days, not even had a glimpse of my friends, the way I almost forgot how the pavement of my society looks, how it smells of chlorine when we pass the swimming pool. It tells me that I have taken too many mature decisions, and its time to chill out now, it convinces me that there is nothing left to study. And I believe my brain, because its a part of me, part of my thoughts. But, its not my thoughts that make me turn my back to those books, no its my pity. Self pity is harmful I know now, but I know many things. How many have I impacted on?

Day-40, Lockdown

Wow, it’s been 40 days…

I still can’t believe it, I have not stepped outside my house since five weeks and five days exactly. It does feel like a long time, then again after yesterday’s little time confession, I don’t know how long it feels or has been. Now everything, seems to go in a whirl, after recently learning that the lockdown has been extended even more. I was neither surprised nor angry, I knew this was going to happen. And, I don’t know what to feel now. If I am cheery and joyful, I feel guilty about the people dying. If I am sad all the time my parents get fed up of me, and they indirectly tell me, ‘you are ruining our vibe’. Because they too, are trying to cope in these trying times. They are trying to get the best out of these lockdown, and I now I am not helping with my mood.

I guess, after every 10 days. I am marking a milestone, as the number of days grow, so does our strength. Imagine, in the next ten days it will be lockdown day fifty. It will be like a half century, only this time I hope that we don’t complete a full century. I don’t even want to think of lockdown day 100. But, that idea seems vaguely possible. Then again, I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe.

I for one, still can’t trust that the entire world is on lockdown, everyone is inside their homes. Yet, everyday thousands are affected by the virus. I recently saw a documentary on coronavirus, and they told us that many people knew that the virus was coming since the past couple of years, they tried to warn people, but nobody listened. It’s tragic, isn’t it? What if we had listened, what if we had taken action? Would we still be under lockdown? So many questions in my brain right now.

Most scientists believe that this lockdown will go on till the next ten or twelve months. This fact scares me, they say everything gets better once you face the truth. But, this is the truth, every time I see some news based on the virus, how it will grow, how it will be the end of us all, how we will have to stay in our homes for one more year. I try to avoid all of them, I try to move forward, but I can’t because I haven’t faced the truth. Well, that’s all for today… 

Day-39, Lockdown

A few days ago, my parents and I were sitting outside in the balcony and talking about how the lockdown has affected us all, and both my parents said that they thought the days were passing pretty fast, then they told me to admit it too.  At first I denied this fact, but when I thought it over I confessed to myself, that the days are going too fast.

‘But, that isn’t possible’ I thought to myself. Time only goes fast when you are enjoying it, and some days feel like living hell. I decided that this was an argument against my own. I thought all of this over, and I had a realisation. 

I recollected, how all the days of this lockdown have passed, everyday I woke up and promised myself I would do sometime productive. Yes, the days are going too fast, too fast to do anything or any work. Nothing is going as I expected it to.

Have you ever felt like this, like you wanted to do something really badly. But, you feel like you don’t have any time, though you are doing nothing. It feels like the days have been sped up by someone, and everything is going in flash forward.

Like you have no idea what you did three days ago, so you link it with present day. And, the conclusion you come up with is that the things you did today were the same things you did that today. I know right, this does not make sense at all. But, it does to me, these are the thoughts going on in the back of my mind put into words. Why are they in the back of my head? Because they were forced to go there, by me. I have always avoided the things that confuse or trouble me. Never, have I fought them.

It is the same case scenario now. But, let us get to this senseless time scenario. I have said many times, that time flies when we don’t want it too, when we want to savour every moment. This is kind of my way of saying that time is never on our side. But this time, I really really want time to fly. And, now that I know that it is. I have no idea what to do. I can’t stop it, or slow it down, so what I do? I don’t want to savour this time, call it my stubbornness if you will? But with thousands dying out there, I can’t find it in myself to hold these memories close to me.

That’s all for today…

Day-38, Lockdown

So today I was thinking about creativity, where exactly does it come from?

Does it come from a person’s heart, his mind, or brain?

I have no idea, all I know is that it comes from within. Some people call it the flame to ignite the torch which will be used to show what the future holds for us. I don’t like to see it as a way to see my future, instead I like to call it something very different. Creativity is the flame that helps burn the midnight oil.

It won’t makes sense unless you read it very carefully, try to join the words. This time you have to try and understand all by yourself, Now if you have read all my previous blogs you should be able to get this one. 🙂

Creativity is in everyone, deep beneath. And, that is why it comes from within. Some people have the strength to be creative and in some others its just buried deep inside. When a person feels creative, a kind of energy surges through them, encouraging them to finish the work they started. To make it look better, giving them new ideas, thoughts, words.

I don’t see creativity as a strength, though. I see it as an asset, not for money-making purposes, but for the introduction of new ideas in the world, new structures, foundations. For the greater good. When someone introduces a new idea, it can be called a win – win situation. Because nobody has anything to lose until the idea is a safe and sensible, even if it is rejected it certainly can be made better.

Dr. Abdul Kalam once said that dreams are not the ones you see when you are sleeping, but are the ones that keep you awake. This makes so much sense than when I had heard it when I was younger. I have also learnt something new as I have grown up. It is that, creativity gives room to learn and mature.

When an artist makes a painting, and It doesn’t meet his expectations. He won’t be able to sleep at night, he will think about the brushstrokes, that painting is missing. I call this painting, ‘a great piece of art in work’.

This is how each great idea grows, at first it is something meagre but with an accurate amount of tweaks anything is possible.

Day-37, Lockdown

Today I want to talk about zoom calls. I hate zoom calls. I don’t like studying with the help of zoom calls, I don’t like this very idea at all.

Zoom calls are so different than normal interactions,sometimes the internet connection is slow, and other times  the teacher’s voice is choppy. The classes we have using zoom calls, are so different than the normal classes. You can hear and see the other students properly, you can hear and see the teacher properly.

But, during zoom calls either her voice lags a lot, or her video suddenly gets paused, or we suddenly get disconnected from the meeting. 

Now, if one of my teachers read this she might tell me to cooperate in these difficult times, well we are! We are attending all the classes, when we get disconnected we try to join the meeting again, but sometimes the app doesn’t budge. We do the homework, when the teachers voice lags we try to put together the few words we can understand and make sense out of it. Today, a teacher’s video kept pausing and her voice kept lagging, and she said that her network bandwidth was low, “please bear with me, children.’’ She told us. I sighed, we are bearing with you.

Now these zoom calls are somewhat better than the normal classes we have for the teachers, at least. Because during normal class, a couple of children never stop chatting and disturb the class, but during zoom calls the teachers can mute all of us with the press of a button! The teachers are teaching us at the comfort of their home.

But, what about us? Well, we are letting the teachers enjoy their well earned home-teaching, children-muting leisure. But, when the school starts I know that most of my friends will be very excited to come back , sit in our desks, and of course sit for the classes. But in all the excitement, the teachers will get the short end of the stick here, during the classes the children won’t be able to sit still. They will all be meeting each other after a long time, and how much ever the teachers will try, the children will not budge.

The teachers are doing a lot of work, I know they are making presentations, worksheets and also juggling household chores. But honestly, so are the children. We are finishing the projects, doing the homework and we too are doing chores, you know.

This journey is a long one, and yes we all have to cooperate. Zoom calls are not pleasant, it is full of cons. But, at times like this we must try to look for the brighter side in ever corner.

Day-36, Lockdown

‘The deepest kind of hurt is the one caused, when people don’t know that they’re hurting you.’

Yes, a hurt like this exists too. When somebody’s friends or family unknowingly hurt that person it doesn’t feel so good. It’s like a scar, that you only discover a little later, after everything is done. But, at times you notice it immediately, it comes suddenly and punches you like a football in your stomach. This makes you feel queasy with pain, where you feel like throwing up but you don’t.

It’s exactly the same when somebody hurts you with their words, you want to vomit all the words in your brain, it comes till your mouth. But, you gulp it back in and stay quiet.

That feeling can be accurately called queasiness, you feel like that because of guilt and mostly anger, and sadness. Why guilt? Because you feel guilty for not giving them a piece of your mind, you feel guilty for brushing away the topic gently instead of choosing to oppose what they said.

People are mean, though they don’t know it. Sometimes, they may say something that deeply hurts you and then they laugh it off. And, very few of such people have the true sense to apologise for their words, because most of them absolutely have no idea of their mistakes! These mistakes, cost you your emotions which you were carefully storing away,  for later. These emotions are like balloons, lots of balloons you were hiding. Because you knew, that if somebody burst all of them together, the consequences would be nasty.

Words are like weapons, you should use them only when you have to. Jokes are heavy, not because they are deep (which they are not, at all) but because they might hurt, so many insensitive words put together make a stupid joke laughed at by stupid people. When someone hurts you and then they say, “I was just joking .” 

Don’t accept it, like I did. If you feel like turning away from there and fleeing in rage, or if you want to face that person and protest, do that. Never laugh at that joke, to show that you are on board with them, because deep down you know that you are not.

Words are capable of wounding a person, piercing their self interest, bursting their emotions, lowering down their self confidence. Always be careful around words…

Day-35, Lockdown

Cage

I run from here to there.
Not because I am impatient,
But because I’m tired.
I feel like an anchored boat,
Trying to leave the pier.
I feel like the little star in the sky,
Trying my best to shine bright.
To keep myself busy,
I run in circles.
When I get tired,
They call me lazy.
I convince myself that its true,
I do feel useless and blue.
Can somebody tell me what to do?
Should I keep running in circles,
Like a bird in a cage.
Occasionally showing my rage,
Squeaking and scratching,
At that dreadful cage.
I can see each day,
Passing away.
Before my eyes, 
I can see it from the bars.
The setting sun,
The few passing cars. 
I want to reach out,
And feel all of this,
All of the things I’ve missed.
No more rough waters I said,
Only happy thoughts.
This task is only for the brave,
And, I’m sorry but I’m not.

Day-34, Lockdown

I have nothing to write for today, my brain is blank. This is what most people call writers block, it acts as a barricade for your imagination and thoughts run free, your mind is locked among four walls like us during these lockdown. And, I know what this lockdown has done to me, so I pity my mind.

Having writers block is like a weird creepy sensation that crawls over you and comes at you when you least expect it, I can accurately call this feeling the monster under my bed. This is seriously the time when I least expected writers block, because at a time like this there is s much to wrote!

But, my brain does that sometimes. When I need it to function the most, it suddenly stops working. Here is a sad but true example, when I have an English test or a chemistry test, any other test but a math test. My brain works fast, I can happily understand how the flower works, how atoms collide or how Julius Caesar died. But, when I look at a math question, all the knowledge in my brain goes poof! All gone, blank. Helplessly, five minutes before the bell is ringing, I try to make sense of the questions given and I get some right, while the others are terribly wrong. When the results come in, I wonder how the other children manage to top the class, while some other times, my paper is finished, long time before the bell rings, and I can’t be sure if I finished early, because it was easy or because half of my answers are just plain wrong.

My wonderful brain is hopeless at times, but the other times it comes handy. The ability of the brain to vanish all existing information cannot be called forgetting, we can call it…crashing. Like that of a computer or my brain during a math test. 🙂

I was supposed to write nothing today, but look, this is just proof that I can go on rambling for hours and even write it down! I cans start from a simple topic like ‘writers block’ and divert to a hilarious subject like my brain and its oddities… then again, isn’t every one different?

Day-33, Lockdown

Today’s was like the casual day I experience nothing new or different whatsoever. But, while I was writing this I realised that everyday has some changes of its own, everyday is special in its own way. Very minimal things like the lunch we ate, it is different everyday.

The people we meet, new conversations every day. Imagine if we do the same thing everyday, we talk in the same way, eat the same food, and meet the same people. Life would be such a bore. Right now, I can not exactly say that everyday is the same, and that is what I have been saying since the past (lots of) days. And, I thought about it today, and I realised that what I do is in my hands. True, half of the time I do feel like my hands are bound by some thick chains, but that’s just my imagination.

If I can imagine myself bound by chains, then I can also break free from them.

And, I had never looked at anything with this point of view until today, like I said yesterday, I am rethinking this entire lockdown. Surprisingly, it is soothing and I am sailing smoothly now, I have promised myself no more rough waters anymore.

My parents are spending more time in our balcony now. We have decorated it beautifully with the fairy lights and the lanterns, the aura is very peaceful. And, the cold breeze that blows in the evening is even more calming. 

This is an opportunity for everyone to look at everything with a whole new perception, this makes the journey a little easy. When I was little, and when me and my family would go on a road trip, I would always feel sick. So, my mother would tell me to sleep for a while so that when I wake up, we would have already reached there. Right now if you ‘sleep’ ( if you literally want to sleep all the days away, go for it! :)) this journey will end a lot faster.

Today was an eye opener, but that is all folks…

Day-32, Lockdown

‘Thank god it’s Friday! Yeah right…’

Today is a Friday, yet does it feel like a Friday? No.

Fridays were always supposed to be fun, every Friday I would come home from school, I would switch on the telly and watch something interesting while eating some snacks or other. Then I would go for my math tuition, and till the time I came back it would be six in the evening and I would watch a little bit more of T.V. Friday was a day when I would study nothing other than maths, and this fact made that day even more jolly. Now at seven I would go down to play, but some Fridays my father would come home early and we would go out. And, if not I would come back home at around nine, eat my dinner and then I would stay awake till late, because I knew the next day is a holiday.

But, now everyday is boring, no special jolly days. Everyday is a holiday, but you still have to wake up early for the online classes. I can’t even go down now or go out. But I am trying to learn new things, looking at this lockdown with a whole new point of view. But, this is still work in progress, and though I am trying, I have to admit I will never look back at these times and say, ‘’What good times!’’.

Because believe me, this is such a time when I didn’t see any of my friends for a month, and I’m sure it is going to be longer than that. But, all of this I can bear with, the only thing I miss more than anything are the amusement parks, the malls with the big cineplexes, the restaurants, and all of the other stuff I can’t enjoy while I sit at home. 

And, this is ironic because before the lockdown I had created a list of places I will go when my holidays start, and I had implied that nobody could ruin my holiday plans, and hear I am sitting on my couch blaming the virus for ruining my wonderful plans.

But I decided to try this new recipe for soup I found over the internet today, and it tasted amazing. All of the herbs, the vegetables they all combined together to make delicious soup, if I say so myself. I understood that these days are all about trying something new, and if you decide to lie on your couch and binge watch an entire series, I say go ahead and do it! (because, thats is exactly what I am doing…) this experience will be new too, the lockdown should encourage us to learn new hobbies while in the comfort of our home.

Day-31, Lockdown

‘Every murderer is somebody’s good friend.’ 

Agatha Christie

Today I finished ABC murders by Agatha Christie, and it was amazing. Because of her I am kind of addicted to murder mysteries now. It was so thrilling, and I will try not to give away any spoilers, but if I do, I apologise in advance. 🙂

This book is truly a piece of art, each page has the power to absorb the reader’s thoughts, and the reader has to give all hundred percent of their concentration to the book. It sends chills down your spine, and the protagonist, Hercule Poirot the detective is so clever, and Agatha Christie has done a great job to show what he is thinking merely through his actions.

I cannot exactly say that this book leaves the reader asking for more, because    the murderer kills more than three people, so in carefully put words, Agatha Christie leaves the reader asking for more thrillers, but not with the exact story.

The way she thinks of every little detail, how the murders were planned, how the clues were hidden, and in the end how the murderer is revealed by the detective in the novel.

Hercule Poirot is an eccentric character, who is famous for solving cases that the police can’t solve. His French accent, and the occasional French he speaks makes him even more interesting, he is very wise and clever and believes that once you understand the motive behind the crime, you an easily unravel all the other facts.

While reading her books, I wondered how Agatha Christie covered every tiny clue, alibi and piece of information. Some clues seem like they are unimportant like the kind of dress the dead lady was wearing when she was killed and so on, but in the end we realise even the smallest detail counts, as sometimes the murderer and his plan is revealed by a tiny clue, the way all the dots are connected at the end, is truly a marvel. It makes you want to read the entire story again.

These books are very enjoyable, and make time go faster. I recommend these books, as they are all good reads.

Day-30, Lockdown

It has been a month since we have been under lockdown, a month since we have not stepped out of our houses. (Apart from grocery shopping)

It feels more than a month for me, but that’s alright I am learning new things, and am part of a totally new experience.

Today was my dad’s birthday, and we had a blast. I woke up and at first followed the boring routine of attending my classes, then I got ready for a wonderful day lying ahead of me. 

A birthday does not need to be full of partying all day around, it can just be you and your loved ones enjoying family time. Though, what I mentioned earlier would be an awesome day. Today was lovey too.

I didn’t go for the common birthday card approach for my dad’s birthday, I made a coupon book. Yes, each page had things like one whole day when I do everything my dad wants, and one day when I do my daddy’s chores and so on. I was expecting him to cash them all in today, but he said he was going to keep them close to him for the future, when they will of more use to him. And, I just realised this coupon idea was a total backfire. 🙂

The cake was truly scrumptious, it was a mango flavoured cake, it left me begging for seconds. For later that day, my mom had a brilliant idea. She said that we should recreate our old photos and the result was a daughter and her dad taking some adorable pictures, this day was full of joy and laughter.

I am pretty sure that my dad enjoyed the celebrations. In fact, he thanked my mom and I for making his birthday so special. Truly a day to remember…

Day-29, Lockdown

‘Sometimes the urge to not do something, cannot be called laziness.’

Almost all schools have started online class, in my opinion it is not a good idea, but I am just stealing the words of all the children who wake up in the morning, moaning and whining, they go to their computers or laptops and the online class goes on for a three hours, how many ever breaks they give ain’t enough. Because, believe it or not the kids are half asleep!

 This is what I face every single day, except Sunday. The sad part is that when we had normal school, even then we did not have school on Saturday!

I don’t get the point. Sure we have to cover the syllabus, but can’t it just be at a convenient time?

Plus the school is extended till May, and honestly that is not fair. Today I did not want to write something sensible and mature. Because, for the first time in my life I was requested to go inside my room and study.

I have never heard these words, because I have always been responsible enough to go and study  on my own. Though I must admit, they didn’t convince me to run to my room and open my books. These classes bore me. And, I have felt bored before. But this is different they bore me out of my brain, my attention span is usually long. But, now my thoughts wander of as quickly as you can switch on the light bulb. (yes, the one that isn’t flickering in my brain right now :))

This feeling is weird, but I can’t seem to run away from it, and this is my conscious self telling me that I don’t need to study. I am going in ninth grade, but honestly it doesn’t feel like it. None of my friends are studying, and yes most people will say that I don’t have  to be like them. I agree, I don’t want to jump in the well with everyone else.

Well, I am, going to go sit in a corner and contemplate my life choices, that’s all for today.

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