Day-66, Lockdown

Online classes.
They tell us to adjust,
But it feels so awful.
My laziness mingled with disgust,
The teachers are working hard,
But what’s the point?
We don’t get a thing,
And that’s annoying.
When she tells us to unmute ourselves,
To answer a question,
I go to google for help,
With innocent intentions.
Online classes are absurd,
They make everything hard,
They leave me feeling deterred,
The connection’s bad from the start.
I have clapped instead of raising a hand,
Leaving the teacher confused,
And me in deep sand.
Screenshare’s the worst,
Especially when she’s drawing a diagram.
It looks like a finger painting,
Instead of a diaphragm!
Teachers, I know you’re doing your best,
In these difficult times,
It’s hard to feel blessed.
We’re all trying to pay attention,
But we’re in the comforts of our homes.
There are far more distractions,
Then were in the classrooms.

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-65, Lockdown

Today, I saw a documentary on National Geographic. It was about, how India is trying to fight coronavirus.

It was really eye opening, doctors had shared footage of their hospitals, and inside their homes. They opened up about their feelings on this lockdown. One doctor was on the verge of tears as she talked about how whenever she entered the hospital she saw dead bodies and sick people, and how she felt genuinely frightened. How whenever she took swab tests of suspected patients, they begged her to pray for them.

How, when she tested these patients for corona virus negative thoughts filled her head, she started thinking of her husband, her family, and possibilities of her contracting the virus. The brain is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it feels like a curse. All of those thoughts, that you tried to avoid always come back in times of need or desperation. One part is calming us, while other makes us even moe nervous, strange.

On some days she would feel as if she has the symptoms, she feels unwell. Though, nothing is wrong with her. At this point I understood that. The pandemic is is penetrating people’s thoughts, affecting them psychologically. This can seriously affect one’s mental health. In a way, it is good as with this fear people will at least stay inside their houses.

There was one doctor, who had a little daughter. She had to be sent, to her grandmother’s place, because her mother frequently came in contact with  covid patients.

There was also an inspector, who said that he was thinking of not living with his family, as he was scared of infecting them. Doctors and policemen and other social workers were always selfless and noble. But, we are realising this now. The tribute that people are giving is not enough.             

After seeing this documentary I felt grateful for my parents, friends and also the food I get to eat everyday. I also felt deeply grateful for all the social workers who are working day and night.

We are all in this together. But these workers, are fighting more battles than any of us. Stay home, stay safe.

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-64, Lockdown


Why does a balloon fly away?

A sad child asked her mom.

Because it wants to be free,

Was the answer she got.

The person that holds it back,

Is the same one who lets go.

The child asked another question,

What if it gets lost when it flies?

Somebody will answer its cries.

The wings that sprouted,

Won’t ever go away.

The wind that doubted,

Won’t let it go astray.

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-63, Lockdown

Umm, today was a Tuesday. Gosh, thats all I can think about to write. There’s a reason, why yesterday’s blog is posted so late. I has nothing to write, I wrote five different articles and deleted all of them. My brain was literally paining, not my head but my brain.

I felt exhausted, because I have spent a lot of my time and energy on this blog. And, to see my perfect record get ruined because of one silly day really put me down.

I have tried a lot, but I can’t find any solution to this problem. These are the problem one faces, when they try to start something big. Consistency, commitment. 

Every time, I think about letting these blog go something stops me. I don’t know why, but i just can’t but yesterday I really faced a huge boulder in my path and instead of trying to remove it from the way I just found a way around it. There seemed no another way, it was almost as if I had given up…

Well, thats all for today because I’m having serious trouble even putting different words together so…bye.

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-62, Lockdown

It was a long day today, nothing was wrong with it. It just didn’t end as quickly as it should. Some days I go to bed thinking, ‘ah, what a wonderful day it was…’ while some others I just grump off to sleep. 

The days are not going fast or slow or somewhere in between. I know that doesn’t make sense, but thats how it is. Remember, how I said before that the days were going too fast to do anything? Well thats not the case anymore, at least thats not the case everyday.  I totally forgot what day it was today, I sat for two minutes wondering what day of the week it was. Then I looked at the calendar on the wall, but I couldn’t tell what the date was too! 

It’s like I’ve gotten out of the infinite loop I was in, but now my spaceship is going in hyper speed  mode every now and then, thats why its hard to tell time. That’s the only explanation I could come up with. Because that is exactly how I feel.

It’s not a bad feeling, just a queasy one. The way you feel when you’re inside a super fast roller coaster in this case a spaceship.

I feel like its my fault, its because of my perception that time is going fast. Like its maybe my subconscious is convincing me that time is going fast and I can’t do anything about it. Whatever it is I’m still trying to find that specific defect and correct it, because thats what this lockdown is all about.

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-61, Lockdown

‘What do I write?’ I asked my mom, ‘I have absolutely nothing to write!’ 

‘Calm down! It will come to you all by its self.’ She said in her matter of fact way. And, you know what? It did come to me. Just look at this blog as a Mother’s Day blog, written a bit too late.

How do mothers know literally everything about their children? When I ask my mom this question, though indirectly all she says is, ‘I gave birth to you, my dear…’ of course I know that, but that does not answer my question by a long shot.

We have the most peculiar arguments on the most peculiar things, and she always wins in the most peculiar way. You know how she wins? She wins by ordering me to stop back answering. Honestly, I still don’t know what back answering is. I have googled it a number of times though, never came up with a proper answer. 

My mom is sitting besides me, as I write today’s blog. She says, she has told me what back answering means, but I still don’t know what it means, what a mystery!

When she is scolding me, I just sit back and listen I don’t say anything, guess what she tells me then. She tells me to present her with an argument, to make it a kind of mutual discussion so I answer to what she has asked, ‘stop answering back!’ Is her only reply.

She’s sitting besides me, you know laughing aloud saying sarcastically ‘be truthful to your readers, dear.’ But, this is the absolute truth. Truth hurts, mom. (She is still laughing, by the way.)

After all of our arguments, we always make up. Because, well at present we have nowhere to go. Just kidding, my mom loves me and so do I. 

Day-60, Lockdown

Whoa, day 60? Already?

I  really can’t believe that its been 60 days, its been 2 months since I have stayed at home. Almost all the places surrounding my house are under containment.

And the roads I can see from my house are all empty, every now and then an ambulance passes by. It looks so freaky, almost surreal. Philosophers keep saying that humans deserve this, what sins have humans performed to be living in this hell?

I really don’t know if I side with these philosophers, innocent people are dying! Every day there are 100 more cases. All these years people kept getting infected due to different diseases, but nowadays people have suddenly become short sighted. When a person coughs or sneezes people assume he has been infected by coronavirus, nobody thinks about the other diseases, the life threatening ones. WHO has declared that there is just a 5% death 

When some person gets admitted in the hospital, they all assume it’s coronavirus. As thousands are dying due to the virus, more are dying due to cancer and heart disease and other non communicable diseases. And the saddest part is nobody can do much except find a vaccine.

So much at stake for so many people, in these times we should all be feeling thankful about our families and the love we are all surrounded by. We should also pray for the people who are infected and for their families, as they are all going through a lot. We should also pray for the people looking after these people.

The police force, the doctors, the fire fighters and others were always essential, but we have all realised that now as we are going thorough these crisis. We have started thanking them now because we all just took in this fact. But they were always risking their lives, they were always fighting for others. 

Keya, 13 year old, writing since age 7. Expressing her self freely on her blog! Enjoy the reading

Day-59, Lockdown

I’m back in square 1. No, now I’m in square -1, I’ve just fallen back. All these days I was trying to improve my perspective, my opinion and it was starting to work. And, now suddenly I feel like I’m surrounded by negative energy. I feel restless, ready to burst into tears. 

But, I don’t know why this is happening. There was no change in my environment, no change in my routine, then what’s wrong? Yesterday, I was feeling very depressed and so I redecorated my room. For some reason I felt elevated and peaceful.

Nowadays I’m waking up at noon, and I feel very refreshed, but at night I can’t sleep till 2 in the morning. My parents have to wake up early every morning, so we go to sleep at 11:30. I keep tossing and turning around till early morning, when I am finally able to catch some sleep. And its like an endless cycle of sleeping late, and waking up late.

Does sleeping in cause anxiety? Maybe, because that is the only reasonable explanation I can give for this sudden change in mood. Though, I am feeling much better today.

Let me tell you my routine for everyday, so you can decide how unhealthy  my lifestyle is on a scale from 1 to 10. I wake up at noon, then I make my bed. Then I brush my teeth and take a bath. Till that time its already one ‘o clock, and its lunch time. So I finish my lunch till 2 o’clock, and then I study a bit till 3:00. From 3:00 to 5:30 I watch a  movie. At 5:30 its tea time, then I do whatever I want from 5:30 till 8 in the evening. I can help my mom do the chores or do something productive like write this blog. Then its dinner time till 10:30. Then, at night, 10:30 – 11:30 I read a book or surf through my phone. Finally 11: 30 is lights out and then its tossing and turning time. At 2 o’clock my eyes droop and I fall asleep.

This is the same routine I follow everyday, I know lots of things are wrong with it. But, there’s nothing else to do! During normal summer vacations, I would play with my friends or go swimming, and during this time of the month I would never be in pune. I would be travelling to my relatives’ house or going to new places with my parents.

Day-58, Lockdown

Last year on this day, I was off to a place called Manali with my best friend. Manali is one of the most wonderful places in India, with snow covered peaks and beautiful sceneries, that trip to Manali will always hold a special place in my heart.

We had traveled to Delhi by plane, and then took a bus from Delhi to Manali. In that short period of time I made multiple new friends. The first day was hectic as it was full of travel, we had even visited the lotus temple in Delhi that day. A beautiful place where people from all religions can come together to pray. Some go there everyday, while others go when they need to collect their thoughts. You are suppose to keep mum over there, not even allowed to whisper. In the short time I was there I could feel the powerful aura of positiveness. 

The next day, we reached Manali. All of us were staring at those lush green mountains with a thin blanket of snow on top of them. They looked so…unnatural. Like a piece of art, it made me wonder how something so marvellous could be made so naturally, without any thought. Just a pile of earth, how could it look so sublime?

That day we were introduced to our campsite. A big place with lots of tents, we were taught how to pitch those tents. It was a difficult task, but we somehow managed to make a standing tent, though it stood only for a couple of minutes.

The next day however, we hiked to the upper base camp. And the scene from there was amazing. We could see huge mountains and fluffy clouds, and the best part was when we exhaled smoke came out. Not smoke exactly, it was more like cold breath, like fog. Yeah fog that’s what it was.

We learnt a lot at the upper campsites, and the adventure activities taught us a lot about teamwork, and also earned me a lot of friends. One day it rained a lot, and we were all forced to spend the entire day inside our tents. My friend and I were in the same tent with 3 other girls. I finally got to know them better and I quickly realised that all of us had a lot in common, we quickly became friends. And, because of them the rest of the trip was even more enjoyable.

After 3 days in the upper campsite we returned back to the lower camp. Then, we were shown around Manali, we went to the Mall Road and the snow points and it was so much fun. Especially the snow point, at one point(yeah, pun intended) they gathered all of us for a group photo, and they were all sitting on the snow, the instructor called me too. And, I came running and I slipped and I skidded down, and accidentally pushed the people sitting in front of me for the photo, so they pushed the guys in front of them, over all it caused a chain reaction causing everyone to fall from the peak straight toward the base on top of the instructor. Luckily for me, nobody got hurt an they all laughed it off. 

The last day of the trip was all goodbyes and cherishing wonderful memories, memories that were sure to last a lifetime…                

Day-57, Lockdown

It’s 11:15 PM, and I’m posting

So, I have always known that I suck at committing to something or being consistent at something. This lockdown blog of mine has really tested my patience now and then, but I have never stopped moving forward.

Today though, I had nothing to write, no backup topic, nothing. Whatever I wrote I kept deleting it. A part of my brain said that I was overthinking, and I just had to take a deep breath. And I tried, I really did but my mom and dad said that they were running out of oxygen so I stopped. So, obviously that wasn’t working.

So should I just stop writing this blog? To be honest I really really want to, but a part of me, a tiny fragment is just not letting me. No matter how many times I announce that I am gonna stop writing this blog, I always come back to my keyboard. It’s just so strange, and honestly irritating. Maybe its that guilty part of me, the one that won’t let me give up. Or that proud part, the one full of ego and ambition. Because deep down, it feels shameful quitting this. It feels like a project, an experiment really. I tested it out for the first time to see if it would work, and then it became a part of me.

To be honest, I don’t love writing this blog. Every single day I hold my head thinking of something to write. It’s  something I dread doing, but I still do it. It’s like when I’m running a cold and it’s raining outside, and I see all my friends playing, I do it even though I don’t  want to. I don’t know why, but rain always finds its way in my post.

Today was a special case, I just couldn’t find anything to write. Day by day my posts are getting short and I apologise for that. But I am really running out of things to write about. And, when I have nothing to write about I complain. And lower the low self esteem I have. So, fingers crossed for tomorrow’s post…

Day-56, Lockdown

Remember how I had made a silly little pledge to not leave the house until lockdown gets over? That’s kind of the person I am, I am sensitive and emotional and can take things very personally. I often tend to get emotionally attached to certain things pretty quickly. That pledge I took, was an example of my sensitivity. ( I’m not talking about sensitive teeth, but I have those too. :))

Today, I did another such thing. I tied a ribbon on my wrist, yes sounds pretty silly doesn’t it? Well, I decided to wear this ribbon until the day I can safely step out of the house. The day when this nightmare is declared over. And, suddenly a thought came to my mind. Am I the only person doing this? Not tying a ribbon to my hand, but suddenly feeling attached to this lockdown. I have read about other people struggling in this lockdown and how they are coping with it. It’s like, I suddenly can’t imagine a world without this pandemic. Like someone closed my eyes, and I can only see darkness, nothing else.

It’s a weird feeling, really. And I feel guilty about it, that feeling I had where I wanted the lockdown to get over. It’s fading away. Not that I don’t want the lockdown to end, but like I am telling it,’’take as much time as you want.’’

Maybe its because of my holidays going on, everything seems chill, no online classes. I guess once my classes start this feeling will go, I hope so.

Anyways, this ribbon I tied to my hand. I take it as a symbol, its like a victory flag. Waiting to be waved on the day the war gets over.

That’s all I had to write for today, ribbons, attachments and weird dark feeling.

Day-55, lockdown

It’s been 55 days, and today I was thinking of something which I think is called social conflict. In the city I live in there are a whole lot of cases, so we’re all in the red zone. Movement in all parts of the city has been reduced, for obvious reasons of safety even in societies. But certain people feel the need of moving around. Maybe their tolerance level is low, I don’t know. They choose to move around, some wear masks and disinfect themselves when they come back home while others just stroll around and return back to their homes, they act as a host for the virus and also infect their family members.

Why do they act so carelessly? I have no clue, they don’t live under a rock I’m sure. They know about the outbreak, they also know how this stupid virus spreads, then why are they walking around without any caution? again, no clue.

While the obedient and virus-fearing people take all kinds of precaution, the others put not only our lives but also theirs in risk. Seriously my family and I are taking lots of caution. Even when we get the groceries home, we take a bath and also bathe the groceries, literally. My mom washes them in soap water and then keeps them out to dry in the balcony, what a world we live in.

My father used to go for his early morning jog every morning, but now he has stopped. The main reason is precaution but alongside there is social fear. Sounds weird, but when we see people strolling carelessly around, we judge them. Though we don’t want to, but in the back of our minds we all do, so my father doesn’t jog because he is a little bit afraid of what people might say. Nobody admits it, maybe they don’t even know it. But social fear is always there.

In a perfect world this outbreak shouldn’t be here, but if it was then everyone would follow the rules. They would know that by taking precautions they are not only saving themselves but also their families. Because come on, the entire city is in  the red zone. That means there are too many cases here, if too many people are infected chances are high that they could infect you too! There is a reason, why we are all under lockdown. Sure, go and have a nice walk. But, please come back and take a bath. What’s the harm in wearing a mask, it isn’t killing you to wear a mask, or to sanitise your hands, or even to wash your hands. So, please always be cautious because prevention is always better than cure.    

Day-54, Lockdown

Lockdown extended till 31 may.

What was I expecting? I don’t know, a summer vacation would be nice. Some free time on the beach, swimming races with my friends, a trip to…somewhere? I was expecting a lot from nothing, but I knew this was coming. I just didn’t want to believe it.

This is officially the worst summer ever, I know I said that I was practising optimism, but I have to let it all out somewhere, why not here? Each passing day, there are more cases, more deaths. People say, we all have to stay indoors till the next year, when I heard this for the first time my only reply was, “what? I’ll die!’’ Because, 365 days indoor is too much for a person to handle. That is why the government is doing this, they say that the lockdown will go on till the 18th of may, days before 18 may they say, that there are too many cases and they regret to inform us that the lockdown will be extended.

You know, first there were memes on lockdown 1.0, then came lockdown 2.0. Till lockdown 4.0 people were tired, ‘why waste our energy?’ They thought. Remember, how everyone suddenly became creative in the early days of lockdown? They tried new recipes, spent more time with their families, well now they have all stopped. They’re all bored now, and that was eventually going to happen.

At first people said they were happy in lockdown, they called it bonding time. Matter of fact, so did I. But, now we have all made our own routine. As the days pile up, so does my parents’ work. And me? Well I have studies, actually I have books which I occasionally have to open, suck all the information out of it, and then close the book. Studying isn’t fun anymore, its just like some dull chore I don’t want to do, but I kind of have to.

To be honest, this lockdown has sucked the fun out of everything. Before, family time was like something I looked forward to. Because we wouldn’t get it a lot and now we see each other’s faces the entire day, literally my mom and dad are the only people I have properly talked to, in months. 

So, in conclusion today was like a cheat day. I have the rest of the days to be optimistic, but right now I feel like more of a glass half empty girl. Thanks a lot lockdown!

Day-53, Lockdown

So, 9th grade, huge year. They all keep telling me, and I agree. Then comes the next question, or more accurately that short period of time when I question all of my life choices. They ask me what I want to become when I grow up, I keep convincing myself that there’s a lot of time to think about that stuff.

Most of my friends want to become doctors and engineers. But, I am sure I don’t want to become either. I am not so good at math, and I can’t very well look at blood without feeling a bit faint. As I have made quite clear before I am of the herd mentality, and when everyone says they want to become doctors and engineers they have me questioning my choices.

Over the years I have given a lot of unnecessary thought to this question, and as time has passed, my choice of occupation has also changed. Currently, I want to be a journalist. It sounds like a dream, I can do something I love and earn money, but then why don’t I want to be a writer? It’s because my father had once told me that there are millions out there who have published books but only three or four of them rise and become famous. He said that I need to have that charisma to succeed in such a job, no support there, you have to stand up all by yourself. Not everybody can be J.K. Rowling. I asked him why he was trying to scare me away from writing, he said that he was just telling me the truth. He is quite a realist. I decided not to go for writing because, I feel that I don’t have that charisma, three or four in millions! But, my dad actually wants me to be a writer, because he feels that it’s the best occupation for me, he says that journalism isn’t my passion it’s writing, I don’t know what to think now.

Over dinner my parents give me long lectures about how I need to get good grades in everything so that I can get into a good college. When I argue that its too early to think about getting into college, I always hear the same words. They say, after tenth I need to get into a good junior college, only then will I get into a good college. Ninth will get over before you will know it, and then maybe it will be too late, will it though?

Most of my friends have joined extra classes, to prepare to join the best engineering colleges in India. Those who want to be doctors have also become serious, and I feel lost in the crowd. I still refuse to think about college yet, or even junior college, am I doing the right thing?

Day-52, Lockdown

Giving up is a wonderful feeling, you feel like a burden was taken off your shoulder. Then what’s so wrong with it?

Well with that wonderful free feeling there is always some guilt too, it strikes after everything is done, making you hopelessly wonder… what if? That feeling is the worst, and so that you don’t suffer, people tell you to not give up. That feeling before the guilt is like a big balloon waiting to be popped by that sharp needle of guilt.

It hurts a lot later, once you’ve realised what a big mistake you have made. So many times, I have tried giving up on this blog. Because I have had nothing to write, but every time I had a new idea to write something, it felt even more  satisfying.

Anyways, have you ever felt like that. Like you just wanted to turn around and go home, and just forget all of this. Well, I have and that twinge of guilt and shamefulness has almost always overtaken me and kept me going on. Sometimes I do something even though I really hate it, while others I just drop it and move on. 

I have tried so many new things, but when they seemed hard or boring I have left them and moved on to do something else. But, later I have missed doing those things and regretted giving up on them. Sometimes, I pat myself on the back after finally giving up on something, only for it to haunt me years later.

Why does everything have to be so hard? Like if you aren’t supposed to give up on something then it shouldn’t feel so nice. Like a very nice dream only to be turned into a nightmare. But, now that I think of it, maybe when you feel like giving up and then you don’t, you feel like you have accomplished something and then later even if you don’t succeed in that thing you were going to give up on you don’t feel completely hopeless. 

So, its actually supposed to be like a medicine, to ease the pain if you fail, and if you achieve something then you feel extra happy, because you didn’t surrender and you were successful.

Maybe, all this time I was just looking at it with the wrong angle. Wow, I had a breakthrough today.

Day-51, Lockdown

 After weeks of senseless thunders and some clouds, it finally rained. It feels so good, sitting on my balcony with my parents with a cup of tea in front of us. We are all doing our own work and occasionally talking. I just felt so nice and cozy sitting in their company, I was doing my three favourite things, sitting outside while it was raining, enjoying my parents’ company and playing a game on my phone.

For a few minutes life seemed perfect, like earth wasn’t facing a major crisis, thousands weren’t dying. I was enjoying the moment without any guilt, then it started thundering, and that sudden flash of light through the dense clouds and the loud noise. Brought me back to the real world.

Have you felt like that? Like you wanted to stay inside one moment, like you wished desperately that you could stop time? It’s a very helpless feeling, maybe its that feeling that brought me back to the real world.

It’s still raining as I am writing, and the weather is wonderful, really. The sweet sound of my keyboard clacking away merrily, the occasional lightning, my favourite songs playing in the background and my parents standing near the railing, leaning out to feel the droplets. I can feel some of the droplets myself, with the wind brushing gently. I want to hold on to this moment. It’s like the rain is inviting us to go outside and splash in the puddles, this time of the year it doesn’t rain a lot. But, when it does I usually run down to enjoy the pleasant weather with my friends, we would all get drenched, and when I would come back to my home, my mom would make me hot soup.

I wish I could go back to that time, the ankle deep puddles, the splashing sound, my friends.

This weather is so amazing, its cold and rainy and cloudy, I don’t know why people associate this kind of weather with sadness. It’s so weird, because its the complete opposite for me, I can dance around in the rain for hours, not even caring about catching a cold, pity I can’t do that now. But at least I am enjoying this sweet moment, this will surely be one of my favourite memories from now on…

Day-50, Lockdown

Today something very ironic happened. All these days, I kept talking about day 50 coming closer and what I thought about it. And I completey forgot what day it was today, it was my mom who reminded me. She asked me what I was going to write for the 50th day of lockdown, and that she saw it as a huge milestone.

‘It’s day 50 already?’ Was my response, and I realised it is a huge milestone, It is not just a number, no its much more than that. I had said before that humans are stubborn, well this lockdown has taught us another thing, patience or more importantly tolerance.

Tolerance doesn’t always mean, trying to bear with something that irritates you, it also in one way means showing will power. 

Humans not only have the amazing ability to learn but also to grow. There is a reason people become wiser with age, they learn with experience. And, this wonderful experience has been a real roller coaster with lots of bumps and loops in the way, but once you have overcome your fear of heights, roller coasters always seem fun.

All of these 50 days, will never be just 50 days of my life, but 50 days of a wonderful adventure, an unforgettable time. I learnt to look at the better side of situations, I learnt how to smile and enjoy the moment we live in. I finally overcame that laziness phase, I moved on to the implementing stage. I read more books, studied more, and of course played more video games, and with that I became a better multitasker. 🙂

Things seemed less dreadful, more cheery. Less clouds, more rainbow. If I do say so myself I have grown up in the past 50 days, with every blog I wrote I felt more mature. More space in my brain cleared, more air to breathe. 

I felt less suffocated every day, and my complains lessened, though I did not stop to whine about my school every now and then. 😉

Over all, I learnt the importance of optimism and how much I need the company of my family around, every day I have learnt something new and remarkable.

Day-49, Lockdown

Hey, its been almost 7 weeks since you have made social contact, how does it feel? If somebody asked you this question, what would you say? There are so many ways to answer this question, while some people would just wave it off saying, “none of your business…’’ others, will sit down and think. They will wonder, “has it really been that many weeks, have I absolutely made no social contact. Wow, it has been 7 weeks.”

Some others will quickly realise this painful fact, and then wander off thinking about what they will do after lockdown. ‘After its safe to go outside, I will throw a big party. I’ll finally meet all of my friends, 7 weeks is a long time, but somehow I will make up for it.’ Because, face it that is what all of us have been thinking about all of these days.

How does it feel? Cheerful, tiring, lovely, boring, what exactly is your take on not having social contact?

Have you not been wondering, what it will feel like to wander about without any masks, happily and freely walking past the sanitiser. Not even looking at it, not having to look at the COVID-19 count every single day, and last of all not having to read my lockdown blog, and all of my complains. That sounds like a perfect world, but when will we see it?

Surely, not everyone is wondering when this dreadful time will end some are enjoying it, some are looking only at the perks, doing their best to stay up to date, wearing masks and using sanitisers is not something they hate doing, they call it precaution. They happily follow the instructions, and they believe they can prance about while being safe. ‘Anything is possible’ is their mindset. Another optimistic take, and this is how we should look at things too…

Day-48, Lockdown

I have nothing to write about today, it’s about to be 50 days soon. And that thought keeps hovering in my mind, it won’t go. I am finally feeling a bit better, and this stupid thought keeps haunting me. It keeps reminding me, how I haven’t seen my friends for 50 days, how I haven’t seen the roads of my beloved city for 50 days. So what? 

I have begun to cherish this lockdown, finally. But, I keep occasionally breaking down. Crying and wailing about how much I miss everyone and the rest of pune, and how I had epic summer plans. Sometimes, to calm my nerves I try to remember the road to all of my favourite places in pune. Then I imagine myself in those places, moving around. Somehow it soothes me, its weird but it works.

Every other day, I feel a little less helpless, I see a little more hope. It’s like everyday there’s more cheer than the day before. I guess, since my holidays started and I get to wake up super late, and have it my own way things are looking much more better than they did before. My mood’s better. Because, face it if you wake up each day complaining wishing nobody would ever wake you up, and crying out of despair because you desperately want to sleep, well that doesn’t make up for a very good day.

But, when I wake up after a good nights sleep, take a bath, study a bit and do whatever I want for the rest of the day, it is much more promising.

My point is that, even though some part of me wants me to be miserable for some reason, and always tries to remind me of my woes. I think of the bright side, after all of these days I have learnt something very helpful, something that is needed in such situations, there is a bright side to everything, and this kind of thinking is called optimistic point of view, or the ‘glass half full’ point of view, and from now on it is my favourite point of view. :).  

Day-47, Lockdown

Hobbies, I was thinking about hobbies today. Why do people have hobbies? 

The obvious answer is they have certain hobbies, because they enjoy in doing those things. but, there is more to hobbies then meets the eye.

Such a simple word, with such a simple definition. Then why do I want to make everything complicated and intricate ? Because, well its my hobby.

Something that gives us pleasure, but it has to be productive at the same time. Can we call it recreation? Maybe we can. But, hobbies lead to so many different things, so many different paths, goals. Creativity leads to having hobbies, hobbies lead to elaborate and greater thinking.

Hobbies soothe the mind, that’s why people tell us to create new hobbies or indulge in the old ones to be stress free.

It’s kind of obvious though, stress comes when you feel boxed in, or prevented from doing something. But when you take part in something you love doing, your mind is somehow calmed, and time somehow slips from the palm of your hand like sand. 

But the feeling isn’t troublesome, you don’t feel hasty, just peaceful. Some people love singing or dancing, others like collecting stamps or souvenirs. When they do these activities, they give it their all. And, they will do all they can, to improve it. To become a better singer, dancer, to collect more stamps they can go to lengths. 

People tell us to do what we love the most, because it can give birth to a whole new world, a world full of possibilities and ideas. Helen Keller always said that,

“When one door of happiness closes another one is opened. But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.’’

And, this is how I intend to look at this situation, doing what I love with optimism, and a hope for a world full of new opportunities…

Day-46, Lockdown

The number of days are increasing, and everyday I hold my head trying to think of something to write about. And today is one of those days, when how much ever I hit my head nothing is going to come. But, I know that I am going to end up writing something or the other.

But, its like I have covered all of the obvious topics, or the ones everyone thinks about. But one of my favourite is the one where I complain about my school, one thought lead to another and now I know what to write about.

So, all of these days I have had to wake up early and study. But, today  was the first day of my holiday, should not I be happy, the answer is yes. So am I happy? 

By a long shot. All of these days I have been complaining about these classes and how much I hate them. Oh yes, I still hate them. But this is not my holiday that’s going on, oh no its the first cycle. This lockdown has not let me relax even for a little while. 16 march was the day my school ended, 3rd April was the day online classes started. Between 16 march and 3rd April we were given projects to complete, from 3rd April to 8 May I have not been able to catch a break, finally, they decide to give us one. But, guess what its a study leave in disguise. My ‘break’ is from 8 march to 20 march, during this time I thought I would be allowed to relax and finally get some time to find the perks in this lockdown.

But yesterday we were told that after 20 may revision tests would be held, that will be counted in our ninth grade exams, held after the school starts. We are expected to study in our break and prepare for these tests ( I am holding my urge to call these tests stupid, there I said it, or rather typed it) our well earned break, has been turned into a study leave.

And, how will these tests be held. That’s a whole different question to be asked. I read in the news, that schools have been told to cut down half of the syllabus. But, I know for sure our school won’t do it. You want to know why? Because we have finished half of the syllabus in the online classes! 

Everything goes so fast, nobody, not even for a second stops. Stops to revise, to recount, and by the way, asking questions isn’t recounting. Like, why would our school even do this? Can’t they trust the children enough, or can’t they take the recaps after the school starts. This year my summer vacation and all of my wonderful plans have gone down the drain, and worse I am studying, when I was supposed to be hanging out with my friends. And, what are they even catching up on. Yes, we were supposed to have normal school from 2 April to 24 April,  but then it was supposed to be our time. Gosh, I  have to go now and eat some ice cubes to cool down. That is all for today…  

Day-45, Lockdown

Second guessing and overthinking, I do that all the time. It’s kind of a habit now, I don’t even realise that I am doing it. I know I have written about this silly thing a couple of times before. But, I never thought of it as a big thing to be worried about, I am still not worried just a bit troubled. It has ruined lots of things for me. But, how do I become confident? Where do I find it? Is it like creativity, does it also come from within? Wow, so many questions.

Remember that poem I wrote for lockdown day 6? It was about confidence, I had written that hoping that one day I too will feel that same fire of self esteem burning in me, proudly. Whenever I have achieved something, I have always associated my success with luck. Subconsciously, but I realised this senseless flaw a few days ago. You know, now that we are inside our homes most of the time, it gives one a lot of time to think and reflect. At least, when the battery in my phone has drained.

I have always been afraid of people, not exactly afraid of them directly but what they might think. I never tried to be different from anybody, always tried to fit in. I am one of those people with that herd mentality, you know why? Because I think that if everyone is doing the same thing, then everyone can’t be wrong. Does this sound reasonable? It should because these thoughts have come unfiltered from my mind. (Okay, maybe a little bit filtered, I am not so sure.)

I very seldom raise my hand in class, because I am never sure if the answer I had in mind is correct. Even when it really is. And, when I am asked a question I just mess everything up. This has happened too many times than you know or want to know, trust me. 

For some reason I always admire other people blindly, like so blind. I know that I am not perfect, but I believe everyone is better than me. I am full of stupid flaws, I try to show people that I am not scared of them. Or that I can take whatever they tell me. But, I actually can’t. I am the most scared of all, and I know that once I have told you this, you all will think that I am a girl full of defects and blemishes. But, I can’t stop you from thinking, if you are reading my blog, you need to know me…

Day-44, Lockdown

We are getting close to day 50, and I am not so excited. I am doing my best to slow down time to hold on. But, anyways I have something different to talk about.

We aren’t allowed to leave our society, but we are allowed to order groceries. So, the person who delivers the groceries comes to the gate, drops off the stuff and goes. The customers come, and take the groceries. So, today my dad told me to come to the gate with him. I rejected his offer, I didn’t want to step outside the house until we could walk out without any masks on, no precautions…

I know it sounds stupid, but its just a little pledge I had taken. Like I had said earlier, I can’t bear to face the truth, and going out of my house, seeing other people with masks, trying to socially distance themselves makes it seem just that much more real.

But, my dad was stubborn (like me), he dragged me out of the house, and when we stepped inside the elevator he offered me a mask. I took it, but didn’t wear it. I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. We sat in our car and drove towards the gate. According to my dad if we travel with car there will be much less chances of contact with other people. We stopped at the gate, and looking at that closed barricade somehow shook me out of my daze. I have never seen the entrance of the society closed, it looked so wired, so out of place.

I was glad there was nobody but the delivery person and a few security guards around. Not because, I didn’t want them to see me, but because I didn’t want to see them.

It felt weird, and for no reason at all very creepy. Empty place, empty roads. There was always someone strolling in our society, but now it felt barren and cold. And, in that forty degree weather a chill ran down my spine. 

When I reached home, my parents said they noticed some change in me. They thought that somehow I seemed happier. What they didn’t know was what brought the change. It wasn’t the fact that I had seen the society after six weeks but it was the irrational fear that managed to creep in me.

Maybe, somewhere deep within I knew this would happen and so I didn’t want to step out. I just realised something, I know I can’t change reality, but by not going outside I was trying to ignore it…

Day-43, Lockdown

I read a book today too, nice day it was. Passed very quickly though.

I have been thinking recently about how our lives would be post lockdown. Will it all be the same again? Or will we finally learn, more about Mother Nature and how to treat it? Like most of us are going through such a thing for the first time, and this is a process, a long and difficult one. Maybe we will be able to fit in some learning, I certainly hope so.

Will everything go back to the way it was? Can it? I don’t think it can, though we are supposed to be stubborn, haven’t the humans learnt anything from this experience? Certainly it has made us wiser, but if the humans go back to their own ways after this pandemic, then we all ain’t just a stubborn lot but also a hopeless one.

I know, I’m talking like this lockdown is about to end, I have no idea what is going to happen for sure. But, I know one thing for certain is that I am a whole lot wiser than I was before all of this. You didn’t learn anything from this experience, nothing new or interesting? When you search for the answer to that carefully, you will find it. You have to, you must have learnt something, even the smallest things count. Like maybe, you washed your dishes for the first time, or maybe you found a whole other side to you, or you found a new hobby. When you go to the deeper side, there a so many things to learn emotionally. Like I found my tolerance level or the level at which the words “I’m about to lose it!’’ Escape my mouth. I found out how important my friends are. Some are like my emotional support animals, they always lift my spirits when they are around me. I realised that there are a lot of things I should feel blessed for.

A day full of realisations and satisfactory answers to hundreds of questions in my head, I know that I should have saved this for the last. But first I would have forgotten all of it, and second I don’t even know when the end is, how far or close it is. Third of all I kind of look at today’s blog as the bright side to all of this mess, and I haven’t looked at the bright side for a lot of days now…

Day-42, Lockdown

I can actually say that I did something today, something productive I mean.

For almost two hours in the afternoon I read a book, two hours of my life not wasted. It felt good, you know. I know, all these days when I talked about something productive, book reading was also covered. After my last book review, I read one more book and I stopped. There was a span of almost ten days, these ten days I wrote about feeling useless and wasted. Well, at least now I know why. Books are just like friends, okay not exactly like friends. But, sometimes I find more solace with a book than with a friend, especially a good and interesting book.

Isn’t it weird? How one day, you keep groaning and whining about how you are not doing productive, and the next day… Well, it is certainly different. Today’s day was a less out of tune, less gray more colourful, less painful. It has been only ten days, but it has certainly felt like ten months.

When I say that I miss all of my friends, well I don’t have to! Books are friends too, right? Then why not leave them out, if I can’t meet my real friends I’d rather spend more of my time with books! This too was a part of my thoughts, buried with all the other ones. And as I am sharing each of my thoughts each day, I feel lighter and more happier. Maybe, by the end of this lockdown I will be able to levitate. 🙂

By reading a book, it feels as if more space in my brain has cleared. Everything feels more clear, and its like I am starting of a clean slate. I feel more fresh, and more cheery. Every evening my mood changes it goes from slightly happy to extremely mad at everything.

But, it felt like the wind had finally changed direction, and the cold breeze I was talking about since so many days. Well, now I can feel it on my face gently sliding past brushing my face lightly. I had talked about going outside, at times just to feel the breeze, but now I can all in the comfort of my home.

Day-41, Lockdown

What did I do today? Wow, what did I do today?

I seriously don’t know how to answer that question, its like asking the person asking the question (in this case, me) “what do you mean, by what did you do today? That’s not a question.’’ And then hopelessly looking around trying to think of a way to answer that question. Pausing for a moment and then asking again, “wait, so you are asking me what I did today? Like something productive?’’ And then you fall into endless thought again. These are the type of conversations going on inside my head, not all of them make sense. But, not all of them have to make sense, because some are left like that to figure out what they mean, to get my rusted gears moving a bit.

I just don’t get it, why is this so hard? I know where I am going wrong, why can’t I impact on it. I keep blaming it on something or someone, like my last excuse was time. Time is going too fast, I can’t do anything. It’s going fast because of me, because of my thoughts, my slow progress. Time isn’t opposing me, its just backing me up. My brain is working slow, its just helping me realise that faster. 

But, the ‘realisation’ ship has long sailed, I am on the next stage now, impacting. The hardest stage, very difficult to cross.

Okay, I know saying this would be a huge mistake, and I am about to say the opposite of what I am trying to tell you, but if this is a safe space, a place where I am supposed to let my feelings out, so be it.

You know what I really think about being stuck at home, it feels like one long holiday, from far it looks like a holiday, every day I have to wake up and study, but the rest of the day feels like a vacation. Whenever I sheepishly get up and walk towards my books, my brain convinces me. It convinces me to believe that this is a holiday, I deserve a break, it makes me pity myself, put myself down.         

It reminds me how I have stayed at home all these days, not even had a glimpse of my friends, the way I almost forgot how the pavement of my society looks, how it smells of chlorine when we pass the swimming pool. It tells me that I have taken too many mature decisions, and its time to chill out now, it convinces me that there is nothing left to study. And I believe my brain, because its a part of me, part of my thoughts. But, its not my thoughts that make me turn my back to those books, no its my pity. Self pity is harmful I know now, but I know many things. How many have I impacted on?

Day-40, Lockdown

Wow, it’s been 40 days…

I still can’t believe it, I have not stepped outside my house since five weeks and five days exactly. It does feel like a long time, then again after yesterday’s little time confession, I don’t know how long it feels or has been. Now everything, seems to go in a whirl, after recently learning that the lockdown has been extended even more. I was neither surprised nor angry, I knew this was going to happen. And, I don’t know what to feel now. If I am cheery and joyful, I feel guilty about the people dying. If I am sad all the time my parents get fed up of me, and they indirectly tell me, ‘you are ruining our vibe’. Because they too, are trying to cope in these trying times. They are trying to get the best out of these lockdown, and I now I am not helping with my mood.

I guess, after every 10 days. I am marking a milestone, as the number of days grow, so does our strength. Imagine, in the next ten days it will be lockdown day fifty. It will be like a half century, only this time I hope that we don’t complete a full century. I don’t even want to think of lockdown day 100. But, that idea seems vaguely possible. Then again, I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe.

I for one, still can’t trust that the entire world is on lockdown, everyone is inside their homes. Yet, everyday thousands are affected by the virus. I recently saw a documentary on coronavirus, and they told us that many people knew that the virus was coming since the past couple of years, they tried to warn people, but nobody listened. It’s tragic, isn’t it? What if we had listened, what if we had taken action? Would we still be under lockdown? So many questions in my brain right now.

Most scientists believe that this lockdown will go on till the next ten or twelve months. This fact scares me, they say everything gets better once you face the truth. But, this is the truth, every time I see some news based on the virus, how it will grow, how it will be the end of us all, how we will have to stay in our homes for one more year. I try to avoid all of them, I try to move forward, but I can’t because I haven’t faced the truth. Well, that’s all for today… 

Day-39, Lockdown

A few days ago, my parents and I were sitting outside in the balcony and talking about how the lockdown has affected us all, and both my parents said that they thought the days were passing pretty fast, then they told me to admit it too.  At first I denied this fact, but when I thought it over I confessed to myself, that the days are going too fast.

‘But, that isn’t possible’ I thought to myself. Time only goes fast when you are enjoying it, and some days feel like living hell. I decided that this was an argument against my own. I thought all of this over, and I had a realisation. 

I recollected, how all the days of this lockdown have passed, everyday I woke up and promised myself I would do sometime productive. Yes, the days are going too fast, too fast to do anything or any work. Nothing is going as I expected it to.

Have you ever felt like this, like you wanted to do something really badly. But, you feel like you don’t have any time, though you are doing nothing. It feels like the days have been sped up by someone, and everything is going in flash forward.

Like you have no idea what you did three days ago, so you link it with present day. And, the conclusion you come up with is that the things you did today were the same things you did that today. I know right, this does not make sense at all. But, it does to me, these are the thoughts going on in the back of my mind put into words. Why are they in the back of my head? Because they were forced to go there, by me. I have always avoided the things that confuse or trouble me. Never, have I fought them.

It is the same case scenario now. But, let us get to this senseless time scenario. I have said many times, that time flies when we don’t want it too, when we want to savour every moment. This is kind of my way of saying that time is never on our side. But this time, I really really want time to fly. And, now that I know that it is. I have no idea what to do. I can’t stop it, or slow it down, so what I do? I don’t want to savour this time, call it my stubbornness if you will? But with thousands dying out there, I can’t find it in myself to hold these memories close to me.

That’s all for today…

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