Second guessing and overthinking, I do that all the time. It’s kind of a habit now, I don’t even realise that I am doing it. I know I have written about this silly thing a couple of times before. But, I never thought of it as a big thing to be worried about, I am still not worried just a bit troubled. It has ruined lots of things for me. But, how do I become confident? Where do I find it? Is it like creativity, does it also come from within? Wow, so many questions.
Remember that poem I wrote for lockdown day 6? It was about confidence, I had written that hoping that one day I too will feel that same fire of self esteem burning in me, proudly. Whenever I have achieved something, I have always associated my success with luck. Subconsciously, but I realised this senseless flaw a few days ago. You know, now that we are inside our homes most of the time, it gives one a lot of time to think and reflect. At least, when the battery in my phone has drained.
I have always been afraid of people, not exactly afraid of them directly but what they might think. I never tried to be different from anybody, always tried to fit in. I am one of those people with that herd mentality, you know why? Because I think that if everyone is doing the same thing, then everyone can’t be wrong. Does this sound reasonable? It should because these thoughts have come unfiltered from my mind. (Okay, maybe a little bit filtered, I am not so sure.)
I very seldom raise my hand in class, because I am never sure if the answer I had in mind is correct. Even when it really is. And, when I am asked a question I just mess everything up. This has happened too many times than you know or want to know, trust me.
For some reason I always admire other people blindly, like so blind. I know that I am not perfect, but I believe everyone is better than me. I am full of stupid flaws, I try to show people that I am not scared of them. Or that I can take whatever they tell me. But, I actually can’t. I am the most scared of all, and I know that once I have told you this, you all will think that I am a girl full of defects and blemishes. But, I can’t stop you from thinking, if you are reading my blog, you need to know me…