What did I do today? Wow, what did I do today?
I seriously don’t know how to answer that question, its like asking the person asking the question (in this case, me) “what do you mean, by what did you do today? That’s not a question.’’ And then hopelessly looking around trying to think of a way to answer that question. Pausing for a moment and then asking again, “wait, so you are asking me what I did today? Like something productive?’’ And then you fall into endless thought again. These are the type of conversations going on inside my head, not all of them make sense. But, not all of them have to make sense, because some are left like that to figure out what they mean, to get my rusted gears moving a bit.
I just don’t get it, why is this so hard? I know where I am going wrong, why can’t I impact on it. I keep blaming it on something or someone, like my last excuse was time. Time is going too fast, I can’t do anything. It’s going fast because of me, because of my thoughts, my slow progress. Time isn’t opposing me, its just backing me up. My brain is working slow, its just helping me realise that faster.
But, the ‘realisation’ ship has long sailed, I am on the next stage now, impacting. The hardest stage, very difficult to cross.
Okay, I know saying this would be a huge mistake, and I am about to say the opposite of what I am trying to tell you, but if this is a safe space, a place where I am supposed to let my feelings out, so be it.
You know what I really think about being stuck at home, it feels like one long holiday, from far it looks like a holiday, every day I have to wake up and study, but the rest of the day feels like a vacation. Whenever I sheepishly get up and walk towards my books, my brain convinces me. It convinces me to believe that this is a holiday, I deserve a break, it makes me pity myself, put myself down.
It reminds me how I have stayed at home all these days, not even had a glimpse of my friends, the way I almost forgot how the pavement of my society looks, how it smells of chlorine when we pass the swimming pool. It tells me that I have taken too many mature decisions, and its time to chill out now, it convinces me that there is nothing left to study. And I believe my brain, because its a part of me, part of my thoughts. But, its not my thoughts that make me turn my back to those books, no its my pity. Self pity is harmful I know now, but I know many things. How many have I impacted on?